You hear him before you see him. What’s that hitting your neck? Oh, great. It’s his breath. Too late to try a ‘just-looking-thanks’. He’s already pacing. Calm down, James! There are kids around. Ain’t nobody got time to see you have a meltdown.

Let’s be honest, he shouldn’t take your visit so seriously anyway. You have a five hour gap between your flights. You’ve gone into literally every store at the airport. You have a different cologne on each arm and you even secretly tried on some face serum.

Somehow, though, this guy is still giving you the full technical lowdown on six different watches. Twenty minutes you’ve been here. It feels like a lifetime. On he goes. You’re looking to buy a watch, not a satellite.

Is it just you or is something weird happening to his face? He hasn’t blinked once. He’s stopped breathing too. And what’s the deal with his clothes? It’s like he’s done it to annoy you. What kind of suit is that anyways? Next to him you look like a smurf.

Perhaps that’s why he’s talking to you in the third person. There he goes again. “Perhaps Sir would like to make a decision now…” “Perhaps Sir would like to get custom engraving, at 350 euros the letter…”

Well, perhaps Sir will throw caution to the wind and take two. That’s Sir Smurf to you! Who said your kids needed to go to a nice school anyway?

Half an hour to sell the watch, 8 years to pack it. Come on James, now’s the time to get a hernia, take off is in 10 minutes.

There’s every chance your wife will never let you take a plane again. You’re essentially wearing an apartment on your wrist. It feels good though. It feels really good. In a way, as the plane takes off, you kind of miss James. Farewell Terminal 5. Farewell duty free. Goodbye my friend.