The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.
Aren’t kids just the greatest?
They’ll believe anything.
And boy did your granddad know it.
It took you a good 25 years to admit it, but – God rest his soul and all that – the guy was a compulsive liar.
He used to tell you he had to ski both ways to school in southern California. Yeah right. And that watch he gave you on that wintery night by the fire? Turns out it wasn’t a collectors’ item after all.
Remember when he sat you on his knee, and explained that its super thin profile was thanks to a revolutionary precision gearing mechanism? Nuh-uh. It’s thanks to a flat battery you can buy at any old grocery store.
Man, he hammed it up; he even had tears in his eyes! Though that, to be fair, could have been from the chronic kidney stones.
Still, he was laying it on pretty thick when he sold you that schtick about the last Khan of Kiva (see his badboy face illustrating that article) bestowing the watch to the adventuring heir of a Swiss watchmaker.*
Let’s be clear: Grandpa Joe had received the watch as a freebie when he renewed his subscription to those bikini-heavy “sports” magazines which stacked up like a sky-rise on his nightstand.
It must have taken balls to tell you he’d been planning to give it to you for years. That he’d chosen your 11th birthday because – of all his nieces and nephews – you were the one who reminded him of himself. Truth was, he’d rocked up at your party with nothing but an unchilled 6-pack, until he remembered the cellophane-wrapped free gift in the trunk of his car.
Still – Rest in Peace. Rest in Peace, Grandpa Joe. You have to give him that–after all that acting, he deserved a break.
Try to let it go, because one day, the buck’ll fall to you. You’ll be the one who’ll have to decide whether your own grandkid gets the Pioneer on your wrist, or gets fobbed off with a plastic jobby you got free when you joined a gym. Wait… are those tears in your eyes? Or do kidney stones just run in the family?
*Unless, of course, your grandfather was Henri Moser: soldier, horse wrangler, and heir to the H. Moser throne. In that case you might have actually gotten the last Khan of Kiva’s priceless timepiece: hang onto that badboy.