For Father’s day. What do you mean, your kids don’t have any money? They’ve been selling vintage Adidas and trading Cryptocurrency online since the tender age of 13. They just haven’t told you how rich they are, because you still pay their allowance.

As a bribe. Envelopes full of cash are out-of-date and a bit vulgar. Make like Tommy Shelby and run your operation in style. Demand a beautiful watch instead.

For Valentine’s day. You may have to start cooking for your wife in October, and studying the Cordon Bleu cookbook… well, approximately two years ago. But if you lay the groundwork thoroughly and drop a few billion roses along the way, anything is possible.

For your leaving do. After everything you’ve done for this company, those ungrateful bastards at the top could at least make a gesture.

As a birthday gift. You gotta take advantage those decade-turning, dreaded ages with a zero at the end when friends and family are forced to be more generous than normal. Turning a bog-standard age? Lie. “It’s the big 4-0 guys, it’s the big one.”

In exchange for the measly little of life of your sworn enemy. They’ve been a thorn in your side long enough and you’ve decided to finally pluck it out. But instead of a crime that merits the death penalty in some countries, it might be smarter to demand that timepiece you’ve been eyeing.

For Christmas. Yeah, yeah, we all love getting a tie or socks, but maybe this year you man up and ask for something you actually want. Watches aren’t always easy for family members on a budget, so that’s why we also recommend leaving them for a rich and gorgeous new wife who happens to be the founder of a fintech empire. Merry Christmas!

For no reason whatsoever. The 1% don’t need an excuse to shell out tons of cash. A gaudy surrealist sculpture of a gilded urinal can fetch millions at auction from that crew. You use urinals everyday. How hard can it be? Get creative, target a patron with deep pockets and prepared to get lavishly spoiled.